How do you love me, Amazon? Let me count the ways.

by Bella Rum

Prepare for caps and exclamation marks!

I started what turned out to be a lame attempt to clean out my email box. It had over 1000 emails. Now it’s 977. See? Lame!

Why clean my mailbox when I can write about it? I’m not a procrastinator. Don’t think that. There’s no explanation for my laziness. I just forget to delete. What?

To the point.

You didn’t think there was a point, did you? No faith.

Here’s the thing. I decided to unsubscribe to ALL advertisement emails – the ones from Amazon, Bed Bath & Beyond, Smithfield Hams (love them), L.L. Bean (H wears their jeans), etc. I have no idea how I got on all those lists. Did I actually subscribe?

Amazon is head-over-heels in love with me. They send me more mail than a hormonally saturated teenage boy.

I must have subscribed to Amazon at some point. I’ll cop to that. I think I remember subscribing to receive notices of books they claimed to mysteriously know I would enjoy, but ONLY books. It would have been fine if it stopped at that, BUT I started receiving all kinds of emails from them – everything from electronics to tools to shoes to industrial & scientific. Industrial and scientific? Really? I know I never agreed to that. My life requires NO industrial or scientific stuff!

I tried to unsubscribe, but I could only find the option to unsubscribed from the “books” category… nothing else. So I opened another email from them; it was a “general” advertisement. I then unsubscribed from the “general” category. Are you getting the drift? Were they going to require me to unsubscribe from each category individually? It could take all day.

I swear on a stack of best sellers, I only signed up for the BOOKS category. Only an idiot would check all those boxes. Don’t say anything.

I then found the entire list (scroll down! duh!) – all thirty-two options. Yes! 32! categories: toys & games, automotive, MP3 downloads, shoes, video games, watches, etc. ALL thirty-two categories were checked on my list. How did that happen!?! No wonder they were so attentive. They probably think I’m a tease. I unsubscribed to all categories with one click.

Never again! I unsubscribed to everything. Breaking up is hard to do, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

Do you get a lot of junk mail or have you opted out?