Richard McKann Can!

by Bella Rum

The following is my best recollection, and you know how reliable that is.

Richard McKann is the host of a home improvement show on WRVA that I listen to in the car. Don’t you love that kind of man? There’s nothing more appealing than a man who can fix your toilet when that S#!% starts overflowing. You know I speak the truth. Anyway, I’m crushing on Richard McKann. I’m sure he would tremble to know that he’s on the radar of a sixty something woman with melting chins and jiggly thighs.

I was listening to him while driving home from my father’s 95th birthday celebration the other day when a man calls in and says, “My wife is extremely rectal-phobic. Do you have any suggestions?” I nudge “H” and say, “Rectal-phobic? I’ve never heard that one before. What a strange way to say your wife is anal-retentive.  What in the world does that have to do with home improvements?” Then I think… maybe it’s about the guy’s toilet. Richard receives a lot of plumbing questions.

“H” stirs from his nap, stretches in the passenger seat, sits up and begins listening along with me as Richard entertains the man’s inquiry – as if it’s any other normal, run-of-the-mill question. He begins by telling the man about the efficacy of scattering mothballs around. With raised eyebrows, “H” and I look at each other with a degree of skepticism. How could mothballs possibly ameliorate the downside of anal retention? Then the guy says, “We already do that inside. She’s scattered them all around the house.”

Well, color me clueless. “H” and I can hardly believe it. How could we have missed this bizarre treatment for anal retention? Cuz you know I could use me some of that. Mothballs, here I come.

Richard then tells the concerned fellow to scatter them outside the house as well. Registering a little surprise, the guy says, “Outside too?” Richard then explains how scattering the mothballs outside should reduce the number of lizards lurking around the house. “H” looks at me with condescension and slowly exaggerates his words as if speaking to a dull child, “Reptile-phobic, NOT rectal-phobic.”


I still love Richard McKann cuz he kann fix anything! And even if he can’t cure herpetophobia, he can help with your out-of-control lizard population. That’s what I call a real man.

Then “H” went back to sleep.