Weight Loss, Wind and Lubrication

by Bella Rum

I lost zero pounds this week. A big goose egg. Nada. Nuttin’, honey! My weigh-in day is Wednesday. I kept my portions small and even exercised last week. You know that’s a big deal for me. I prefer to have litter bearers carry me from room to room, so lazy am I. I lost 1 1/2 half pounds earlier in the week and somehow managed to gain it all back. It made no sense.

In view of all this heartbreak at the scales, in an act of defiance, I decided I would eat a little more yesterday. Always a wise choice (note sarcasm). So I relaxed a little tiny bit yesterday. This morning I weighed in, and lost 1/2 pound. Too late. Wednesday was yesterday, but I’ll take it.

So this morning I decided I should walk. It was windy. No, not windy. It was Diane-Lane-Unfaithful windy. Remember that scene in Unfaithful when she first met her lover? The wind was blowing and gusting so hard that it blew her into the arms of her very sexy, ill-fated lover, played by Olivier Martinez. I always think of that scene when it’s extremely windy.

That’s how windy it is here today, but I’d made up my mind to walk, and by golly, walk I would. I lotioned up. I put moisturizer on my face, hand lotion on my hands, lip moisturizer on my lips and eye drops in my eyes. After a certain age, it’s lubricate, lubricate, lubricate. I’d dry up and blow away if I didn’t consistently lubricate every part of my body, even my eyes.

My face felt like it was frozen in the first couple of minutes. The branches on the trees were swaying to and fro in a wild dance. I had my hat, my scarf, my gloves, but it cut right though my clothing. We made it to the end of our street where even H said it was crazy and unsafe. We turned around, went down one small cul-de-sac and then came home. Good thing we did. Our front door was wide open, and the wind was gusting through the house.

No one belongs outside today. I can still hear the wind whipping around the house, even howling occasionally. I’m happy to be here with my second cup of coffee and a heating pad tucked behind my back. Shelter is a wonderful thing. Aren’t we lucky?

One more thing.

We were sitting here last night. I was on the computer, and H was going through some papers when I heard him say, “Ut-oh.” Ut-oh never means anything good. I looked up, he grinned at me, and there was a tiny, pointy, little thing where a tooth used to be. Right in the front! A cap had fallen off. Oh, Lordy! He called his dentist’s office this morning, and they gave him an appointment at noon. I swear, I think his dentist would meet him at midnight in a cemetery with slobbering Rottweilers guarding the entrance if H asked her to, so lucrative is his business. His is the mouth that keeps on giving. At least it wasn’t an implant.