The Fungi Offensive

by Bella Rum

Yesterday, I only packed one box. It was one of the small book boxes, but it was very heavy. I packed all of my candlesticks in it. I tried to lighten it by adding a few lighter things, but it ended up being pretty heavy. I love me some candlesticks. Dad made some of the most beautiful candlesticks. They are solid brass, the sort that Miss Scarlett could use to “do in” Colonel Mustard in the library. They are serious weapons, potentially anyway.

I’m already tired of strangers invading my house, but it cannot be helped. I was taking a break on the family room couch yesterday (as I am wont to do) when something outside startled me. Just on the other side of the window, suited up in what looked like moonwalking gear, were three men preparing to crawl under my house and launch the first offensive against the fungi colonies. If the window hadn’t been between us, I could have reached out and touched them.

They were here to remove the insulation under the house in preparation for the second offensive that will launch later this week when the first round of chemicals are administered. Then we wait a week until another round of chemicals goes in. Then we wait a few more days before eight hundred and some odd dollars worth of new, clean and fungi-free insulation is installed. Then, and only then, the fungi will be thoroughly and utterly defeated….. we hope. We will have to leave the house when the chemicals are administered. They are toxic to  humans and fungi alike.

When you decide to move, be prepared for strangers to be in your house, under your house, and on top of your house… for weeks. It’s the way the process goes. Today, the electrician comes. Wednesday, the auctioneer comes. Friday, the chemical guys come. The chemical guys will come again next week, and an appraiser for the buyers will come (we haven’t been notified yet) at some undetermined time.

When H was outside with the chemical guys, he saw the new buyers drive slowly by, looking and looking and looking. I hope their minds were put at ease when they saw the cast of Apollo 13 on our/their lawn.